Though my heart be slain within me, yet will I trust; yet will I follow You

WOW, it's been a LONG time. Been going through a lot of tough things and still am, but tonight I had a break through. Not sure where God wants me or if where I am is where I'm supposed to be or not but I do know that God loves me and I'm going through everything for a reason. 
Yesterday I asked that if I wasn’t at a place where I was willing to be changed that God break me down even more than I was and change me, change all of me.. not just one or two parts. He broke me down, and I’ve gotta say.. It’s good to be here. It’s good to take a step forward because to be honest I was past taking steps back, i was turned around and running away. It’s gonna be hard to change when I’ve already gone back to so many things that have hurt me.. but I’m DONE with letting satan do this to me! I once had a vision of Jesus and I, walking by the ocean together, He is always in the same place but it’s me that keeps letting myself get pulled out to sea and turning away from Him. He’s always been there and always will be. Praying for strength to keep this up and guidance because I have NO idea what to do now that I've opened my eyes and heart. 

We all have a story to tell, whether we whisper or yell!

It's been a couple of months since I've posted. I've had my share of ups and downs so far in 2011, but it was starting to feel like mostly downs. I went through a really hard time of temptation and a lot of doubt and depression. I gave up on writing blogs and I gave up on a lot of stuff and started to live the way I wanted to. Summer started and I started spending a lot of time getting back into devotionals and slowly have been working my way back onto the right path with the help of my closest friends bringing me closer to Him. 

Every sunday for the past few months I just didn't FEEL anything, I felt like no matter how many times I tried to reach out He didn't take my hand. I know that he was with me the whole time but I just felt so alone. These past few weeks I've been getting closer with Him again, but I still wasn't feeling that full connection. 

Today I was thinking a lot about my passion for children with down syndrome. It came up earlier today and ever since then I've been thinking about it a whole lot. I started doing some more research and I could just feel God tugging at my heart. It felt like my heart finally burst like I've been wanting for months. That passion just really broke through to me and if there's anything I'm sure about for my future is that no matter what God wants me to do with it, HE will be in charge and make it great!  It's a terrible feeling to feel like your so lost for so long but then when you finally make it back it's so overwhelmingly happy and great. One thing can change so much. I don't want to let my weaknesses and the months with out growth to define me. I don't want anything or any one to define me but Jesus. I've spent so much time letting other things define and label me and He's the only thing that really matters. I'm not living for myself, I'm living for Him and it's good to actually feel that again!

 We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. -1 Thessalonians 1:3 

I've been going through 1 Thessalonians with my friends/youth leaders and 1 Thessalonians 1:3 really stuck out to me. Not only did the thessalinicans work but they worked through their faith. Not only did they do labor but it was prompted and carried out by love! and Not only did they endure but they endured with hope ("Hope is not as blind as a wish but not as definite as faith" -Katelyn Forbish) They did everything for His sake and they were known for their faith and encouragement. 

So very blessed to be able to share all of this and finally get that connection back. I will hopefully post another blog shortly continuing some of Thessalonians! Praying for focus and guidance this week. :) I've got a cool Abba!

You're all that I want, you're all that I need.. You're everything, everything!

So it's been about a month since I've blogged, March was a bad month but April is hitting it out of the park!God's been really cool lately (not that He wasn't before.) I had a pretty lame time at prom but I told myself something would come from it. I've learned from that to never let others influence the way I feel about myself. The only person who can define me is Jesus! Let go of the small things and just be a light to others! Tuesday I was having a really bad day, a certain teacher of mine was being a jerk but I just kept reminding myself to be a light, if you don't let others under your skin and just focus on the important things it's a lot easier to demonstrate love and kindness. Wednesday at verge we had a personal quiet time instead of group time. It was really influential to me. I got some awesome quality time with Jesus in His word. I asked Him if He would show me some pictures in the clouds and He did! He showed me the crown of thorns, an angel, a dove (that turned into a llama), and a man praising with his arms raised! It's little simple requests like that, that He answers that just make my heart smile. It's small things that people look over and don't think anything of. God is so awesome and I will praise him no matter what! Big or small! He just amazes me so much. Something that stuck out to me as well was "In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." -John 3:3 and also John 3:16! In bible club friday Me and some of my friends and youth pastor did the everything lifehouse skit! It was REALLY powerful. It truly was such a blessing to have the opportunity to get to act out such a powerful skit and praise God while doing it! God is really going to work through it! That song is such a blessing as well, the lyrics are so powerful, take them to heart! He's all that I want, He's all that I need, He's everything! Thankful that I don't have writers block anymore and can write for Him! Been through a lot of temptation lately especially this week but God has carried me right through it! Praising Him for the ability to see that this temptation is a blessing because He is pulling me through and making me stronger through that! One of my favorite verses keeps coming into my mind through out the week: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33. 
Have peace in Christ! We're going to have trouble but He has overcome the world! Praying that throughout this week and on I can be a light to others through Christ and die to myself daily because I'm living for Him, not for me! Hope everyone has a blessed easter and remembers the real reason for celebration today! Who cares about a bunny, some eggs, and chocolate? Christ DIED for us and ROSE FROM THE GRAVE, Praise God for that! So thankful today and everyday in Him. <3

You speak light into our darkness, You heal the brokenhearted, You wipe away our tears!

For the past few weeks I've slowly started to distance myself from my friends and really been in a down mood. I couldn't seem to get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I begged God to just make me feel normal again and I put my fears and struggles at his feet. I was slowly falling apart and everyday it just kept getting darker. I was so lost and scared. But God pulled me out of that darkness tonight. Before tonight I really didn't want to be around many people. I even denied three hikes on a beautiful day. (rare) He pushed me to go to the Murray bonfire, I was kind of nervous because of the whole not wanting to be around people thing but there was nothing to worry about. I had such a blast and it was just so great getting to have that time with my genefam. We starting singing worship and it's like i finally felt hope after weeks of being hopeless, was finally in the light after weeks of being surrounded by darkness. God totally used those moments around the bonfire to open my eyes and heal my heart. It's awesome that the simplest moments can turn out to be the best moments in life. I was broken and in those few hours God renewed my hope, strength and joy. I have a whole new view on trust and dependence. Something I learned through this is that humans will always let you down but God never will, He's the one you have to depend on and put your trust in.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives us strength and when we're weak he increases our power. We will always grow tired and weary, and we will always stumble and fall, but we have Him to pick us up and give us hope! When we have our hope in the Lord our strength will be renewed by Him! With His help and strength we will run and not grow weary and walk and not be faint. His power is amazing. He is so much greater than everything we have going on in our lives. He is so much bigger than anything I could ever worry about. His plans are so much better and any of us could ever dream of. His lessons have so much more behind them than we could ever figure out. He's so powerful and amazing and will always be the one who will never let us down.
Tomorrow is the year anniversary of Genesis being a church. It's absolutely mind blowing how much God has changed in me since that first night at genesis. I'm so blessed to have such an awesome church family. So amazing. Can't wait to see what He does in the next year at genesis. It's going to be so great. I love you Abba, so much. <3

You're beautiful, you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His.

I was feeling a bit insecure and discouraged earlier. It was one of those times where I could feel myself slipping into that darkness. I turned the radio on and Beautiful by Mercy Me was playing. When it comes on I always sing along and generally enjoy the song, but tonight I really listened. God knew exactly what i needed to hear tonight. He knew exactly what was on my heart and sent me encouragement. This morning i was upset as well and my best friend randomly showed up when I was about to breakdown. It gave me so much encouragement. It's small things like that that people take for granted, it's small things like getting to hear a loved one tell you they love you that people take for granted. God sends us precious gifts and blessings everyday. Wanna know the biggest one? God loves us enough that he sent his own son Jesus Christ to die for our sins on the cross. Jesus died so we could live! I have an amazing Lord that blesses me daily and yet I complain about small things and doubt my beauty. There's no use in complaining because it won't solve anything, just be happy with what you have. Never doubt your beauty, don't give satan the satisfaction. God took time out of making the oceans and the beautiful mountains to pick the color of my eyes and the shape of my nose. He picked every single thing out about me; my sense of humor, my thoughtfulness, my passion for things I love. Everything about me is unique. There's not another person on this earth that is like me! I'm one of a kind and so are you! He made me this way for a reason and I will embrace it! "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight". -1 Peter 3:3-4
He has a big plan for me and I'm really trying to focus on His will for me rather than my own worldly worries and stresses. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11. His plan is bigger than anything I could ever dream of, there's no use in me trying to take the pen out of God's hands. He's writing my story, not me. I don't want to live my life for myself, I want to live it for Him! I pray that through everything I do I let God make my decisions and I let Him make these changes in my heart. I pray I let his light shine through me. I pray that I surrender to myself daily and trust Him with it all. I pray that all praise and glory be to God. My amazing Abba <3 I love you so much. Thank you for the beautiful lessons you teach me and for the many blessings you give me. 

And I don't care what the world throws at me now, It's gonna be alright!

This week consisted of a lot of hardships and internal struggles followed by a lot of happiness and joy through God. I spent the first half of the week kind of zoned out, really bummed by all the things that have been going on and then God just snapped me out of it. He made me realize that He has control of everything that's going on and there's absolutely no reason for me to get so wrapped up in it all. I just have to remember to keep all my trust in Him and surrender it all to Him daily. Something a few of us girls in the youth group have been working on is showing Gods love more throughout LB and the general public. Also being more Christ minded towards people, because sometimes it's hard but you really have to focus on what HE wants, not what you want. He's continuing to teach me to trust Him with it all and keep my hands completely opened.  He's giving me strength and guidance and that's exactly what I need. I'm praying that through out this week I continue along with this progress and keep my focus on what He wants and stop getting sidetracked with what I want. Something that really stood out to me at Genesis on Sunday was something my pastor Craig said; "Before you try to save the hungry, feed the hungry. Before you save the poor, love the poor." If you don't live out your faith with deeds and have actions to back up your words, what's the point? There's a big difference in believing in God and acting out your belief in God. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. -James 2:19. It's easy to believe in God, but you have to dig deeper than that and work towards combining your beliefs and your actions. Something else that God has been putting on my heart is following where He leads me and listening to His guidance. Sometimes it will be hard and uncomfortable, but it's all for the glory of His name.  Working on being joyful through all that happens this week and letting God's light shine through me. I love you amazing Abba, so much <3

Jesus You're all this heart is living for

This weekend has been one of the hardest weekends and one of the best weekends in a while. I never thought I would have to go through something so heart wrenching and tough. It's so emotionally draining. But having the support of all of my family and getting to spend time with them has been such a blessing. There are countless blessings a day that people take for granted and that people don't even notice. My goal for the next week is to spend less time on my phone, less time on the computer and close to no time watching TV. Something I've already been working on is not spending a lot of money on myself, other people could use it more than I could so why be selfish? It's not mine anyways, It's Gods!  Too many of us spend so much time on technology and money when we could be digging in the word or doing something to really benefit our day or someone elses. When you go through hardships like this your view on life and your goals completely change. My life has been spun around and shaken and I've handed it all to the Lord, I've placed it at his feet and I'm trusting him with the outcome, because He has a big plan, and I have faith in Him through this and through everything else. I'm trying to keep my focus on His big picture rather than the small things I've been handed right now. Enjoy the small things in life, rejoice in the blessings you've been given, live your life to the fullest and don't take any of it for granted. Because it can be gone SO quickly. I pray His light shines through me and I continue to let Him use me for the good of His name. I pray that through everything I am going through I keep focus on what is truly important and continue to grow in my relationship with my amazing Abba <3 
Reading through Philippians 1 this week, and rereading some of James. Really want to dig more into the word. When things get tough you just gotta keep on going, but we have an amazing God who will help us through and we're not going through it alone. He will NEVER leave us or forsake us. (Something that really just keeps going through my head through this.) I feel like this post has been WAY too much about me and I don't like that. Gotta keep my focus on Him no matter what!
All praise and glory be to Him! He's amazing. I love you Abba, so much!